


In Perpetuity

by DMCW



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Crazy Dreams, Explicit Language, F/F, Flashbacks, Gen, Humor, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:58:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5025721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DMCW/pseuds/DMCW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the fall of Silas University, Laura and Carmilla work towards rebuilding their lives and their former school.  Things go well for a time, that is, until Laura starts changing - mood swings, heightened senses, ramblings, etc.  As her condition becomes progressively worse, Carmilla enlists the help of LaFontaine and J.P. to figure out just what exactly is going on with Laura.  Along the way, the gang must deal with the realities of their past and the haunting memories that come with it.</p><p>**Warning: Slow burner mystery that contains Hollstein fluff and a crap ton of angst that you can probably drown in.  Goes well with alcohol, or so I'm told.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Changes

**Author's Note:**

> Not really sure what to say here except this is my first go at doing something like this (fanfiction/posting) - I will probably be a skeleton by the time I figure all this stuff out and I commend anyone who can do it with ease. 
> 
> Also, apologies for the long chapters. Had the intent to do a quick thing and then it morphed into this heap of mess. 
> 
> Lastly, I don't own any of the characters or anything of the sort, just love them enough to want to write about them.

Feeling the warmth of the sun on her face, Laura slowly stirred awake. She rubbed her eyes and stretched with no intent of getting out of bed.  With one eye open, Laura looked at the clock on her nightstand and stared at the bright green “10:37AM” being displayed.  Noting the time, she knew Carmilla had already been gone for a little over 3 hours, leaving Laura with the bed to herself.  Sighing, Laura rolled over and hugged Carmilla’s pillow.  She wanted so badly for Carmilla to be home with her - to just lie in bed and be able to enjoy a few more minutes of peace in her arms.  She then buried her face deep into Carmilla’s pillow and breathed in hoping to catch whatever remnants of Carmilla’s scent were still there. _I wonder what part of me they’ll be talking about today._ Laura thought to herself. She questioned if it would be her mood swings, her aloofness, her heightened senses and ramblings during, or her pain. _Probably all of the above._

At least three times a week for the past several months, Carmilla had been leaving early in the morning to meet with LaFontaine to discuss Laura’s condition. No one knew why Laura started changing, or even exactly when.  It was a shared fear amongst their group – the lack of knowledge putting a strain on everyone’s already fractured nerves.  Most of the time, Laura was her old self – spunky, full of energy and laughs. Other times, not so much. Over the past year, Laura’s condition gradually worsened.  At first, there were little things - so small in fact that it would be no surprise if a large number of instances had gone unnoticed.  

Laura thought about when she first starting noticing the changes within herself. There were times when she would be looking at something and then all of a sudden would begin to experience a sensation that she could only describe as a tingle in her eyes. She remembered that on many occasions, she mistakenly thought an eyelash or dust might have fallen into her eyes and would instinctively start rubbing them.  Sometimes, she would rub them to the point where the corners of her eyes became slightly raw.  If Carmilla was near, she’d grab Laura’s hands and gently kiss them while telling her to stop before she hurt herself further. 

Laura also thought about the times she would experience an increased sensitivity in her senses.  Not being able to control it, she would become disoriented from all the information her body was taking in. After several occurrences, Laura grew to recognize the tingling in her eyes as a signal for an on-coming attack on her senses.  Laura yawned and thought about the first time it happened.  It was something she remembered distinctly. 

She was with Carmilla and they were walking back home from LaFontaine’s laboratory.  They had gone to drop off some fresh banana bread Laura baked that afternoon and to pick up the blood LaFontaine synthesized to replenish Carmilla’s supply. Knowing it wasn’t just because Carmilla directly benefited from it, Laura tenderly recalled Carmilla’s excitement for LaFontaine’s breakthrough – a feat that had not gone unnoticed within the science community. 

When they had reached the small wooden bridge halfway to their apartment, Laura had asked Carmilla if they could take a quick break to look at the stars. Being a lover of astronomy, Carmilla had heartily agreed.  While listening to Carmilla name the constellations, Laura had felt herself become dizzy. The air became heavy with the damp smell of the pond below them and Laura began to choke on its scent. When she had tried to grab the bridge railing, Laura felt her head loll backwards, bringing her wide-open eyes in line with the street lamp.  The light from the lamp had burned so brightly into Laura’s eyes that when she had shut them, she was still able to see its round shape imprinted within her eyelids - its color erratically switched from white to yellow to blue.

At some point when she fell, Laura had felt Carmilla try to catch her. They had both slumped to the floor of the bridge and Laura turned her head and watched Carmilla’s bag of blood fall in slow motion into the murky pond below.  She saw the splash it made and had gasped when she realized that each droplet of water she focused on would magnify 20 times its size.

The sound of the splash came to Laura some 10 seconds after it happened. It was muffled at first and then rapidly increased in volume - Laura remembered explaining to Carmilla and LaFontaine that it sounded like someone had covered her ears with a heavy blanket and then quickly removed it midway through an explosion. Apparently right after that, Laura had tried to say Carmilla’s name but fainted after mumbling a few syllables. That’s what Carmilla had told her. Laura herself had no recollection of it.   

When Laura had awoken, she saw that Carmilla and LaFontaine surrounded her. It had taken a few seconds for her brain to register that she was lying on a couch and when she attempted to sit up, Laura had fallen back down from the weight of her own body.  Carmilla and LaFontaine had called to her several times and when Laura had tried to speak, she was struck with the taste of bile on her tongue.  In response, she had vomited.

“Ugh...” Laura said shaking her head, abruptly ending her reverie. She hated thinking back to that night. She felt that there were no words she could possibly use to describe how embarrassed she had felt. Even worse, she remembered LaFontaine later arguing with Carmilla.  To get Laura quickly back to the lab, Carmilla had changed into her cat form to carry her. It was reckless of her to have done that, an exasperated LaFontaine had told Carmilla.  LaFontaine was one of the few people Carmilla was outwardly affectionate towards and Laura hated that she was the reason for the rare dispute.

Laura leaned over to the drawer in her nightstand and pulled out a pen and paper.  She began making a list of chores to get done before Carmilla came home. 

“One – clean the bedroom.  Two – dust. Three - find the Christmas box – or wait, move that to tomorrow,” Laura said, crossing out her third chore. “Ok.  Three – rehang the black-out curtains on Carm’s windows.” Laura paused and stared at her list. “Oh crap.  Laundry.”  _You can’t rehang curtains that aren’t washed yet._ Laura thought. Irritated with herself, she pressed her pen hard into the paper as she crossed out chore number three for the second time.  “Three – laundry. Four – curtains.” 

Two nights before, Laura had been drinking out of her Doctor Who mug while listening to Carmilla read the “Kagerō Nikki.”  Carmilla had been eager to read it to her and explained that it was one of her sister’s favorites.   Since her death, Carmilla rarely spoke of Matska.  As a result, Laura welcomed any opportunity to hear the joy in Carmilla’s voice when speaking of her sister. 

“It’s interesting, Cupcake, because this lady talks about how she purposefully makes her asshole husband feel uncomfortable and how she hates the woman he’s having an affair with.  And this is her diary from the mid-900’s!  Can you believe that?  It’s just so raw,” Carmilla said. “The author thought that her work would be ephemeral – that it would fade and quickly be forgotten but it wasn’t and it didn’t.  That’s what Mattie loved most.  It never failed to make her laugh. She always said it was like her last ‘fuck you’ to her husband.” 

Laura had gotten up to give Carmilla a kiss but her foot caught the end of the bed. Unable to catch herself in time, Laura spilled her cocoa on the curtains.  “Oh geez,” Laura had said looking at the mess she had made. “Hope you don’t plan on writing a non-ephemeral diary about me and my clumsiness.”  

“I just might,” Carmilla had said.  “The peoples of the world deserve to know about my magnificently clumsy Cupcake, Laura Hollis - even those a thousand years into the future.”

* * *

It was now almost 7:00pm and Laura had just finished boxing a half dozen chocolate cupcakes. With a permanent marker, she wrote “For LaF” on the top of the box and “With Love, Laur and Carm” a few inches below it. Carmilla had called earlier to let her know she’d be in late so Laura had decided to keep herself busy with baking.  

“Ah! I forgot to hang the curtains!” Laura said aloud.  She walked over to the dryer and tried her best to pull out the heavy fabric in one go. She didn’t want to have to walk back to get the other half of the set.  As she was fumbling with the curtains in their bedroom, Laura scraped the back of her hand on a piece of metal protruding from the curtain rod. She didn’t feel any pain and in fact, found no sign of a cut when she checked.  Instead, she became engrossed at the sight of her veins. Soon after, Laura felt a tingle in her eyes and fell into a trance like state. 

Laura studied the back of her left hand - her right index finger tracing over her veins. Near her thumb, she followed one of the thicker veins onto her palm.  “Green…now blue…or is it…both?”  Laura’s eyes widened, her attention now on the countless lines she saw on her hand. Laura touched the deepest wrinkle and pressed down as if to smooth it out.  “So many.  Can I count all the lines…?” Overwhelmed, Laura quickly shut her eyes.  Even after countless episodes, Laura was still getting used to her new body – all its little quirks - the sensations so overpowering they often left her exhausted and in agony. _New body._   Carmilla tries not to show it, but Laura knew she hated it when she spoke like that. _She’s just scared_.  Laura told herself. 

It was why Carmilla had been spending endless hours with LaFontaine.  Unsure if it was something supernatural happening to Laura, they had been carful to study any old texts available to them.  To cover all their bases, LaFontaine had also taken several blood samples from Laura to study.  At first, Laura accompanied Carmilla to her meetings with LaFontaine. However, Laura reached the point where she could no longer bear to watch Carmilla grow more and more disheartened at the notion that their months of research had yet to provide any answers.                    

“Cupcake? Who are you talking to?” Carmilla’s voice tickled at Laura’s ears.  With her eyes still shut, Laura cocked her head towards the sound and sensed Carmilla making her way across their apartment to her.  “Cupcake…?” Still in a daze, Laura saw Carmilla’s voice as a wisp-like purple line entering her body through her ear. _Purple._ Laura thought to herself. _Her voice is purple.  In the middle, a deep purple…almost black…that fades out to white._ Traveling through her ear canal towards her brain, Laura focused on the line’s movement.  It was fast, jumpy even, but pressed forward with such steady confidence. Laura gave a small smile. _I wonder if she knows._ The line enveloped Laura’s brain then slowly began swirling down her spine.  _It’s so beautiful._    

Carmilla’s touch jolted Laura back to reality - the purple line quickly dissipating from her mind’s eye. “Laura!  I’ve been _calling_ you. Why didn’t you answer me?” There was a sense of desperation in Carmilla’s voice now.  In fact, that desperation seemed to be making itself more and more present in their conversations lately.  Laura opened her eyes and tried to take in Carmilla’s image.  She was blurry but Laura could make out Carmilla’s loose fitting black and white striped shirt.  _I love you in that shirt._ The large black pocket appeared like a giant, hazy void on the left side of Carmilla’s chest.  _Carm,_ _the pocket_ … _it’s hiding your heart._ Laura reached out towards Carmilla’s chest in an attempt to touch it – as if to tell Carmilla she knew what was buried there _._ Before reaching Carmilla’s chest _,_ Laura suddenly felt her eyes dilate and a sharp pain shot over them.  They darted back and forth looking for something to focus on.

“Laura. Hey, _LAURA_ ,” Carmilla said worriedly.  Feeling Carmilla’s grip on her arm tighten, Laura willed her eyes to be still. She saw that Carmilla’s brows were deeply furrowed with a few wisps of her bangs partially covering her right eye. _She’s scared.  Oh Carm. Was I the one that scared you?_

“…I think I need to sit down, Carm. I feel…I don’t know…like I’m not…connected here somehow...” Laura said.  Carmilla swiftly tucked her arm under Laura’s and guided her towards the edge of the bed. As softly as she could, Carmilla sat her down. 

Kneeling in front of Laura, Carmilla then placed her hands on Laura’s thighs and gave them a light, reassuring squeeze.  “Were you having another one of those moments?” Carmilla asked, concern strewn over every word. Laura nodded but kept her eyes down. She knew this wasn’t the first time she scared Carmilla like this but it didn’t make her any less embarrassed. She hated feeling so helpless.

Carmilla cleared her throat and said, “Ok, cupcake.  Remember how we deal with this?  I want you to close your eyes and count with me.  Got it?” Laura began to protest but Carmilla hushed her.  They both paused and then started to count.  “One – one thousand. Two –one thousand.”Looking at Laura’s distressed face made Carmilla’s eyes begin to water but she quickly shook the feeling off.  She knew couldn’t afford to lose it.  Not when Laura was like this or at least not while she was still awake.  “Three – one thousand.  Four – one thousand.” Instead, Carmilla moved her hands to Laura’s face and gently brought their foreheads together until they touched. _“_ Five – one thousand.  Six – one thousand.” In unison, the two began to rock gently side to side. “Seven – one thousand. Eight – one thousand. Nine – one thousand.” Still holding Laura’s face, Carmilla stood up and placed a kiss on the top of Laura’s head.  “Ten – one thousand.”

“Carm?”

“Hmmm?”

“Do you think we could lie down for a bit?  Just until I fall asleep? I’m just so tired. And I know it’s still early for you but --”

“Of course, sweetheart. Let’s get you tucked in.”

Carmilla sifted through the drawers for Laura’s favorite tank top and flannel pajama pants. Once searched, each stack of clothes was carefully put back into place, something Carmilla never cared to do before. Through the slits of her eyes, Laura took a moment to watch Carmilla and noted how physically striking she truly was. Laura loved that there was a contrast to each piece of her.  Her dark brown hair against her pale skin, her red lips so full and rich they highlighted the brilliant, gleaming white of her teeth.  But her eyes - Laura absolutely adored Carmilla’s eyes.  Laura likened them to two black holes set adrift in the universe, each filled with nothing and yet everything at the same time. Laura often thought that if she had to choose one last thing she could see before dying, she would choose Carmilla’s eyes.  She would fall right into them and join the Nothing and the Everything and simply exist as a mere memory nestled safely between the two _._

Carmilla paused and let out a low “Ah.”  She found Laura’s owl vest. Carmilla didn’t know Laura had kept it. For fear of Laura seeing it, Carmilla quickly folded it up and tucked it into the deepest recess of the drawer. Carmilla shot a quick glance over to Laura, hoping she was fast enough.  She didn’t want Laura to think back to that time.  To be reminded of the hell they went through. 

Despite Carmilla’s best efforts, Laura saw everything.  She knew exactly what Carmilla just did for her. That was another thing Laura loved about Carmilla.  Her demeanor may be intimidating but Carmilla has such sincerity to her. She felt selfish for thinking it, but she loved the thought that Carmilla’s sincerity was mostly reserved for her. _You told me it was because I was yours._ Laura recalled. _Do you remember Carm?_                   

The familiar tingle in Laura’s eyes returned and she curled herself into a ball on their bed. She needed to brace herself for the oncoming pain.  _Oh no.  Please, not again._ She thought.  Before she could call out to her, Laura felt Carmilla’s arms wrap around her body from behind.  The pain struck Laura hard, forcing her body to shake violently into Carmilla’s. Without thinking, Laura grabbed onto Carmilla’s forearms and dug her nails deep into them. As the intensity of the pain grew, deeper and deeper Laura’s nails went into Carmilla. 

A loud thud then echoed in Laura’s ears.  _What was that?_   She wondered.  She knew she was experiencing her senses on a heightened level but at the same time, they were scrambled and there was always a delay when it came to sounds. _The drawer.  Carm must have pulled out the drawer in a rush to get to me…how long ago was that?_ It felt like hours to her.

Laura’s eyes were open but she had reached the point where nothing was visually registering. “Carm…” she managed to groan, “I’ll clean up the mess.” _I know how you hate to clean._ Laura then felt something cold and wet fall on her jaw.  It was slow at first, but then picked up speed and rolled down across the front of her neck. The sensation made her shudder and wince away.  Not realizing it was Carmilla's tear, Laura shut her pained eyes and soon drifted off to into a fitful sleep. 

* * *

_Stop crying._  Carmilla angrily told herself. Without letting go of Laura, Carmilla managed to wipe the right side of her face on the pillow. She moved her head back to stare at the dark spots where the pillow soaked up her tears.  _Do you know how remarkable you are, Laura? You’re here writhing in pain and you find a way to tell me that you’ll clean up the mess?_    _My mess._   Carmilla thought.

Carmilla had always been amazed with Laura’s unwavering perseverance. She loved that no matter the task at hand or how long it would take to complete, Laura would do her best to see it through.  To Carmilla, Laura was her base – a support system that she could always rely on. More importantly, Laura was the foundation upon which they were now rebuilding their lives and it was because of this that Carmilla couldn’t stand the thought of losing her. Laura was everything to her.

Carmilla moved to rest her head on the pillow and took a second to let out a deep breath.  With Laura’s grip finally loosening, Carmilla felt small beads of her blood begin to rise from where Laura latched onto her.  She was conscious of the pain but didn't care.  She knew it was nothing compared to what Laura was experiencing.  “Laura, what’s happening to you?” she asked in a whisper. _I’ll call up LaF first thing in the morning.  They’ll have something to say about this._ Carmilla thought trying to reassure herself. 

She just wanted everything back to normal.  _Normal?_ Carmilla almost laughed aloud at the thought.   _Jesus Christ Carmilla, who are you kidding?_ Her thoughts wandered back to Silas University.  _Our fucked up version of normal is a giant anglerfish god, ghosts on flash drives, dying students, dead friends, possessed peoples, Laura’s incessant wont to save this goddamed world and the list goes on._   Carmilla thought in frustration.  It had been a little over two years since the fall of Silas but Carmilla could never be rid of the feeling that they weren’t free of its horrors just yet, and to her, Laura’s behavior only confirmed this.  

Still holding her, Carmilla felt Laura's shaking lessen and gradually fall in line with the rhythm of their breathing.   _What am I do to with you?_   Sighed Carmilla.  Nudging at Laura's ear with her nose, she closed her eyes and took in the scent of Laura’s hair. _I hope your dreams are treating you well, Cupcake._


	2. Laura's Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a particularly bad attack, Laura drifts off into a heavy sleep in Carmilla's arms. What starts as a pleasant dream quickly turns into a nightmare Laura can't seem to get out of. Dead friends, giant Catmilla, and oh boy, faces spewing crazy talk - or is that prophecy? Can Carmilla help get her out?

Laura dreamt she was in her old dorm room at Silas University. She was lying on her bed in a pair of cuffed khaki pants, a white shirt with small black polka dots and a jean jacket wrapped around her waist.   

“Ha!  There you are,” she said as she reached into one of the cubbies on her headboard for the small Doctor Who pin she had made as a child. On the front of the pin was a crudely drawn green dalek made into the likeness of a Christmas tree, the round orbs all over its body acting as stand-ins for ornaments.  She had crafted it with her father and every year made sure to pin it on whatever sweater she wore on Christmas day.  Flipping the pin over, she touched the dent on the left side that she had made during her first week at Silas - she had accidentally stepped on it while rushing to her English Literature class. 

A knock on the door interrupted Laura’s thoughts and caused her to drop the pin.  She watched as it rolled under her desk and noted that she would retrieve it later. Hearing another knock, Laura walked briskly toward the door.  Before reaching it, a remarkably tall woman let herself in. 

“Danny!” Laura cried in delight.

“Hi Laura, I just came by to see if you needed help with your report,” Danny said. 

“What report?” Laura asked. 

“The one that’s due in about 6 hours, crazy!  Sounds like you were daydreaming in class again. Is it because Betty’s still missing? Or are you worried about your weird roommate again?”  Danny said. She took off her red and black letterman jacket and pulled out the nearby stool to sit down on.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I forgot about that!” Laura grabbed her backpack and started searching for her notes.  “I should have more than enough time to get it done though. I guess I have been a little distracted with all that’s been going on lately.  Still yet though, I just can’t believe I forgot about it completely,” said Laura. 

“Yeah, it happens.  Kind of like how you forgot about me once Fang Face came into the picture,” said Danny sarcastically.

Laura looked at Danny, her eyes filled with confusion. “What?” Laura asked. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, come _on_ Laura! Are you telling me you’ve already forgotten?  That girlfriend of yours forced her way into your life and I was the one you chose to cast aside in order to make room for her.” 

“That’s not what happened, Danny.  I – it just – it just didn’t work out between us. ”  

Danny stood up and shaking her head at Laura said, “I hated how you would always choose her.  I cared about you. So much so that I even protected _her_ for you. I lied to my Sisters. I lied to the board. I did all that lying and for what? For you to run off with her after I was stabbed in the back?  To just let me die protecting you?!”

“Danny…I –“

“It’s ok.  I mean, it’s not like it matters now.” 

Danny walked over to the window and peered outside.  With Danny’s back now facing her, Laura could see Danny’s stab wound, the blood still fresh and glistening around the slit in her shirt.  

“Danny, you’re hurt…your back is --“

Danny waved Laura off and grabbed her jacket from the stool. She then put her jacket on and tugged on the bottom making sure her shirt underneath was covered.  

“Please, Danny...I never meant for that to happen.”

Laura felt a warm sensation travel from her wrists to her fingers. She looked down at her hands and staggered backwards at what she saw.  Blood was gushing profusely from several vertical cuts just above her wrists.  

“Don’t worry,” said Danny sadly.  “It’s not your blood.  It’s from everyone you had a hand in killing.” 

Laura gasped and not knowing what to do, pushed her forearms down against her thighs in an attempt to stop the bleeding. 

Danny turned around and looked at Laura.  “You won’t ever get it to stop, you know.  No matter how many times you wash the blood away.  No matter how many times you dress your wounds. No matter how many times your skin scabs over.  No matter what, the scars will always be there.  The blood will always be there, Laura, just itching underneath the surface of your skin – just waiting for the moment it can come out and drown you,” she continued.

Danny then shifted her gaze to Carmilla’s bed and caught sight of Laura’s yellow pillow.  “You should have let me stake her.” 

“Danny…you know it wasn’t her fault.  It was mine.  It was _all_ mine,” Laura said, her arms now shaking. She saw a flicker of anger on Danny’s face and watched her eyes go from green to entirely black.

“Always quick to say that, Laura, but do you really know it means to say that it was your fault?  To take full responsibility for something?”

“I do, Danny.  I really _do_.”

“You have to actually _fix_ what you did wrong, not screw it up even more, Laura!” shouted Danny as she slammed her hand hard onto the desk nearest her; the sound made Laura jump a foot back.

“And the gods know you never failed in that regard.  So what do you say, Laura?  Now that there’s nothing left to fix, I’d say punishment seems more fitting, don’t you?”

Frightened by Danny’s words, Laura held her forearms against her chest and began inching towards the door.  _This isn’t real.  This isn’t real.  This isn’t real._ Laura said to herself in a panic.

Danny scoffed and broke into a menacing laugh.  “Oh Laura, what makes you think that it isn’t?” she asked.

Laura let out a high-pitched scream and lunged for the door. She grasped for the door handle but the blood on her hands prevented her from turning it.  Laura slipped and hearing Danny’s footsteps getting closer, she turned around and began kicking frantically in her direction. 

“Danny – Danny, listen to me.  This isn’t you.  The Danny I know wouldn’t do something like this.”

“The Danny you _knew_.”

Danny caught hold of Laura’s left foot and pulled hard, dragging her away from the door.  She then trapped Laura’s foot in between her ribs and upper arm and began twisting Laura’s leg at the knee causing Laura to cry out in pain.

“DANNY, STOP!  PLEASE! CAAAARRMMMM!!! HELP ME, CARM!” Laura screamed as loud as she could while trying to wrench her leg free. 

For a split second, Laura felt Danny’s grip loosen and taking advantage of the opportunity, kicked her right foot deep into Danny’s stomach. She heard Danny give a low grunt as she fell backwards into the stool, knocking it over.  Her foot now free, Laura scrambled for the door. She quickly grabbed at her jean jacket and wrapped her hand with it.  She managed to get a decent grip on the door handle and finally being able to turn it, flung it open.

“See what I mean, Laura?  You always choose her.”  Laura heard Danny say softly. As she ran out of her dorm room, Laura made sure not to look back.

Laura was now running blindly down a dark hall.  At the end, she could see a dim light shining in the shape of an “L.” Realizing it was the silhouette of a slightly open door, Laura ran as fast as she could toward it. When she reached the door, Laura yanked it open and quickly shut it behind her.  Her hands were shaking uncontrollably and took her several tries to turn the three deadbolts. When she heard the final lock click into place, Laura was unable to hold it in any longer. She curled herself into a ball and gave into her tears. 

 ***** _THUD-THUD-THUD_ * “Laura!  Laura, let me in!  I promise I won’t hurt you!”

The combination of the knocking and Danny’s voice made Laura cower. She heard the knocking get louder and wondered if the door would be heavy enough to keep Danny out.

 ***** _THUD-THUD_ ***** “LAURA!” ***** _THUD-THUD_ *****

Laura crawled to the nearest corner and covered her ears. She could see the shadow of Danny’s feet pacing back and forth just outside of the door.  All of a sudden, Danny’s shadow stopped moving and abruptly disappeared.  For a second, Laura thought that it was over, that Danny had left and that she only had to try to wake herself up.  Laura then stood up and as she wiped her eyes, it suddenly hit Laura that she was no longer bleeding. The blood had dried, leaving dark reddish brown stains on her clothes. 

* _BOOOM_ * The sound was so loud and unexpected that Laura fell hard onto her elbows. The pain of the fall shot through Laura’s arm and she wondered if she had actually broken them. Steeling herself, she managed to roll over and stand up again. 

* _BOOOOOM_ * Laura realized Danny was now throwing herself against the door.  She was sure that at any moment Danny would come bursting through and inflict the punishment Danny said she deserved.  S _he’s right.  I am the reason all those people died.  Perry… Danny… Kirsch… Mattie…all those poor students…_ At that point, she didn’t care who or what came through the door. She just wanted to get out of there, to be back home and in bed with Carmilla, but knew it wasn’t possible. She had half a mind to open the door herself and be consumed by the being behind it. 

“Don’t be scared, Cupcake.  Xena can’t get in.” 

“Carm…? Carm, is that you?  Where are you?!”

Laura stood up and looked for Carmilla.  Too preoccupied with Danny earlier, Laura was finally able to take in where she was. She saw old crates and chests around her that were all buried under a thick layer of dirt and dust. Next to one of the chests, Laura’s eyes fell on a familiar item.  It was the tan blanket Carmilla had found to keep her and LaFontaine warm. _It’s the library.  I’m in the library._

“Carm?” Laura called out again. About ten feet in front of her, Laura saw a figure move sideways in the shadow of one of the bookshelves. She could tell it was a woman and taking a few cautious steps forward, recognized Carmilla’s dark brown hair up in a bun.  She was in a black shirt that stopped just short above her trademark leather pants, which were tucked into black boots.  Her back was turned and Laura could see that Carmilla was looking at the stars through the stained glass windows high up on the ceiling. 

Laura remembered being stunned by the beautiful windows and how the trio would stare at the ceiling while Carmilla would tell her and LaFontaine about the gods and creatures depicted in them.  It was one of the few comforts they took while being trapped there a few years back. The couple had been broken up at the time and Laura remembered pointing to the one with a golden dragon and jokingly telling Carmilla that she’d turn into that and squash Carmilla if she tried any funny business.  That was the window Carmilla was looking through now. 

“I smell blood on you, Cupcake.” 

“I got cut…or, I don’t know how, but these cuts just showed up on my arms and –“

Laura looked down at her arms and then back to Carmilla.  “It didn’t hurt but...I felt the blood.  It was like _all_ of my blood was leaving my body.  And she said it wasn’t even my blood…that it was from...” Laura told Carmilla with a shaky voice.  She ran her right hand over her left forearm and felt the bumps where the cuts had been. Laura shook her head in disgust.

Another boom rang out and they both heard Danny grunt in frustration. Carmilla pulled her gaze from the stars and slowly turned.  As she moved out of the shadows, her body transformed into a large, six and a half foot tall cat with each step she made into the light.  She made her way over to the door and gave out a long, low growl then ended it with a screech so loud Laura had to cover her ears.  Laura stared in amazement as the air around Carmilla’s mouth warped and the sound from Carmilla’s screech created an oscillating wave of force that shot through the door.  Through her cupped ears, Laura could just make out Danny’s scream and the sound of her fall.

“You’ll see me again, Laura.  I’m always going to be around.  It’s just a matter of time,” Danny said seconds later. 

Carmilla waited until she heard Danny’s footsteps move away from the door. Once she was satisfied with the distance between them, she then walked to Laura and rubbed her whiskers against Laura’s cheek.  Laura hugged Carmilla’s neck and buried her face deep in the fur of Carmilla’s chest.

“I’m sorry it took me a while to get to you.  I heard you call out to me, but I couldn’t get out of this damn place.”

“I was so scared, Carm.”

“I know,” Carmilla said.  She then purred, wove her tail beneath Laura’s arms, and with a quick flick, she gently placed Laura on the chest with the tan blanket.  She proceeded to lick the blood off of Laura’s arms and hands and made sure to get the flecks on her neck and chin too.  “But you’re ok now.” 

“Do you think Danny is ok?”

“You know that wasn’t really her, right Cupcake?  Not saying that I didn’t enjoy knocking her on her ass,” Carmilla said with a small chuckle – something Laura made a point to ignore.

“I know.  And I know that this is a dream Carm, and that you’re probably not really _you_ either.  But it’s just so real. Like, what if there’s a chance this really isn’t a dream?  That the other life outside of this _is_ the dream and this right here, the reality.  I just- I just don’t know anymore,” Laura said and hugged Carmilla again. “Well, whatever the hell this is, I’m just glad to have you here with me.  Even if you are just a figment of my imagination.” 

Carmilla nudged Laura’s arms with the tip of her nose and sniffed at the bumps. “Nothing different,” Carmilla said. After she finished sniffing the rest of Laura’s body, Carmilla paused and with her head tilted to the side said, “Whatever did that to you, there’s no trace of it anywhere on you. Anyway, we need to find a way to wake you the hell up or at least get you out of here.”         

Laura nodded and stood up, causing a small cloud of dust and dirt to rise from where she was sitting. She squinted her eyes at the cloud and made a face at Carmilla. 

“That wasn’t a – I mean, I know what it looked like, but I-“

“No worries, I know you didn’t fart, Cupcake.”

“Carm!”

“Oh, excuse me, _flatulate_. Apropos our pedagogical environment – should be mindful of the vocab, right?” 

“Oh, hush you!”

“Cupcake, stop acting like this isn’t dirty talk for you.”

“ _Flatulate!?_ ”

“Oh, well, you know, the smart talk was what I meant…”

“Oh my god.  Even my dream version of you is just, _UGH_.”

Carmilla laughed and told Laura to stop wasting her time wringing her hands in the air and to instead stay close.  With Laura’s hand on Carmilla’s side, the pair began walking around the library.  Every so often they would comment on books or paintings, sometimes even stopping to touch a few items of interest.  They came across a number of doors that opened to more rooms with more books and other miscellaneous items – but none that provided an exit.

“I feel like we’ve been walking forever, Carm.  I don’t remember the library ever being this big.”

“Well, it was huge but I think you’re right, this one seems never ending.” 

Carmilla stopped and sniffed the air. “Wait, right here. I think I sense something different up there,” Carmilla called back as she pranced ahead.

Half a minute later, Carmilla returned. “There’s a big wooden door just beyond those bookshelves over there.  It’s different.  _Smells_ different, like salt water almost. Could be the way out. I couldn’t open it but maybe we could use something to leverage it,” Carmilla reported.   

Carmilla bent down and waited for Laura to climb onto her back. Once on, Laura grabbed fistfuls of Carmilla’s fur and gave a slight tug to signal she was ready to go. Carmilla set off and followed her path. After a few jumps, she came to a stop at the large wooden door and bent down to let Laura off.

“Carm…do you hear that?” Laura asked.  There was a low buzz in the air that started at the door and quickly made its way around the whole library. 

“Are those…words? I can’t make them out but…” Carmilla said. Her cat eyes, now huge black pools, scanned the room and appeared to be tracing movements in the walls. “It’s like I can see them,” she continued.  Her eyes narrowed as she honed in on something Laura couldn’t see. 

While Carmilla was trying to make sense of the movements, Laura felt a pull in her stomach. It was as if someone had hooked a rope in the folds of her belly button and that person was pulling her towards the door.  She took two steps forward, paused, and then looked down at her feet.  A hot feeling ran from the top of her skull down to the bones in her toes. Her body felt weighed down, like gravity was trying to pull her through the floor.  Laura’s left foot shook slightly then slowly inched forward.  Her right foot soon followed suit.  Laura no longer had control over her body; the panic already shooting throughout her system was then exacerbated by the rising of her hands. Left, then right, then left again -step by step, her body made its way to the door.  When she reached it, her hands placed themselves against the warm surface of the wood.

Laura tried to stop herself and call out to Carmilla but her voice caught in her throat.  She watched on as an amber light seemed to emanate from under her palms and spread throughout the door.  Her hands kept pressing themselves harder into the wood and she felt what she thought was a heartbeat.  The door slowly creaked open and revealed a room that seemed to be raining inside with a stone pedestal in the middle of the floor.  The tug in Laura’s stomach pulled her in the room and she soon found herself listening in dread to the door slamming shut behind her. 

The room was cool and filled with a heavy air that made it difficult for Laura to breathe.  The light drizzle of rain fell softly around the room and Laura took a moment to shut her eyes and let the droplets fall on her eyelids. A feeling of content enveloped her body and she wondered if she’d been there before – whether in a dream, reality, or another life altogether.  She opened her eyes and inspected the room.  She could see the middle of the floor she was standing on was surrounded by still water but the walls themselves were damp.  It took her a few seconds to understand what the movement on the walls was.   It was the water surrounding the floor moving upwards along the walls towards the ceiling. Following the flow of the water, Laura looked up and was instantly stuck by what she saw. 

“The ocean!” Laura said aloud. The echo of her own voice startled her but what happened next scared her beyond belief.  On the wall in front of her, faces from Laura’s past appeared one after the other.  First Kirsch, then Danny followed by Perry and last, Matska.  Their lifeless eyes opened wide and in deeply distorted voices, began repeating what she had just said in unison. 

Kirsch: _The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.   The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn._

Danny: _The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.   The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn._

Perry: _The…OcEAn. The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn._

Matska: _The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.   The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn.  The…OcEAn._

Laura felt her stomach churn and the fear travel from her chest to her throat.  She opened her mouth to scream but the shock of seeing what was in front of her left her mute. Then, as if the timing could not have been worse, she felt the tingle in her eyes. 

 _My eyes._   _No, no, no, no!_  Laura knew what was about to happen.  The tingling in her eyes intensified.  Her nose became clogged with the scent of the salt water and it was so strong that she thought she was going to choke on it.  A ringing started in her ears and the words “the ocean” became a deafening chorus. Laura gritted her teeth and tried to make her way to the stone pedestal in front of her for support. The pain in her eyes increased and as she blinked, she could see the water droplets from the ceiling grow in size, making the splash as they hit the ground look like bombs had gone off underwater.

Overwhelmed, Laura collapsed to the ground. Her body spasmed in pain but she knew she had to keep moving.  Using her arms, she managed to drag herself to the pedestal and focused what little energy she had left to lift herself up.  She shut her eyes to help her concentrate but opened them again when her hand touched something hard on top of the pedestal.  She saw that she was touching an ancient looking stone tablet with symbols carved into it.  The symbols magnified and Laura could see the years of dust trapped within each carved line. 

In the back of her mind, Laura heard Carmilla’s voice reminding her of what she needed to do during these moments. Laura shut her eyes and began counting. “One – one thousand. Two – one thousand. Three – one thousand. Four – one thou—“

Kirsch:  OnE –oNe thOUsaND.  TwO - oNe thOUsaND.  ThREe - oNe thOUsaND.  FoUr - oNe thOU --

Danny:  OnE –oNe thOUsaND.  TwO - oNe thOUsaND.  ThREe - oNe thOUsaND.  FoUr - oNe thOU --

Perry:  OnE –oNe thOUsaND.  TwO - oNe thOUsaND.  ThREe - oNe thOUsaND.  FoUr - oNe thOU --

Matska:  OnE –oNe thOUsaND.  TwO - oNe thOUsaND.  ThREe - oNe thOUsaND.  FoUr - oNe thOU --

Laura looked up and on each face, saw wisp-like lines flowing freely in and out of every orifice – each face in a swirl of color different from the others. Kirsch was surrounded in brown lines, Danny in emerald, Perry, a bright orange and Matska, maroon. Unaware that she had been gripping the edge of the tablet, Laura yelped when a small piece suddenly broke off and lodged itself deep under the nail of her ring finger. A small bead of blood smeared across the tablet when Laura pulled her hand to her chest and suddenly, Laura was engulfed in a bright light. 

With her right hand still on the tablet, Laura could feel a power pulsating from within it.  She could tell that there was a life to it and it wanted out.  Laura then felt the power pulsate through her arm to her heart and then it traveled up her neck and forced its way through her eyes, coming out as thick amber lines.  The force snapped Laura’s head back and outlines of a man and woman began flashing in her eyes. Almost like a flipbook, the images of the man and woman began moving in a jerky motion.  They were dancing – a waltz, Laura recognized and the vision faded to black.  Next, Laura saw the man kneel down and cradle the woman’s head – fade to black. Then the woman came into view. A circular mark appeared on her stomach and spread horizontally across her stomach – fade to black. Now, the woman was on the ground and the man on his knees behind her.  His head and arms stretched toward the sky – fade to black.  The woman’s head turned toward Laura and a hole where the woman’s mouth would have been, appeared and Laura heard the woman call her name – fade to black. 

Laura screamed and felt the amber lines shoot out of her mouth. She tried to pull her hand from the tablet but it wouldn’t budge.  Laura then felt the floor of the beneath her begin to shake violently. Laura knew she had to find a way out and was convinced she would otherwise be trapped in her nightmare forever.

Almost instinctively, Laura focused her attention onto her right hand and after a split second, she shot a line of amber light back through the tablet – it released her hand instantly.  The four faces then began rhythmically chanting what sounded like a poem, their voices layering over one another, creating a haunting yet beautiful melody.

Kirsch: _BeFOrE thERe Was -_ _thERe wAs ~ thERe wAs ~ thERe wAs ~_

Danny: _FoRm - FoRm~ FoRm ~ FoRm ~_

Perry: _ThE tWo wATerS - tWo wATerS ~ tWo wATerS ~ tWo wATerS ~_

Matska: _MiXeD - MiXeD ~ MiXeD ~ MiXeD ~_

Kirsch: _ChAOs wIlL rIsE -_   _wIlL rIsE ~_ _wIlL rIsE ~_ wIlL _rIsE ~_

Danny: _ReBOrN - ReBOrN ~ ReBOrN ~ ReBOrN ~_

Perry:   _AnD aLl LiFe HeNCe - LiFe HeNCe ~ LiFe HeNCe ~ LiFe HeNCe ~_

Matska: _NiXeD - NiXeD ~ NiXeD ~ NiXeD ~_

The ocean on the ceiling came crashing to the floor and Laura was thrown back into the wooden door.  The power or the waves forced the door open and the ocean water made its way into the library, carrying Laura along with it.

“LAURAAA!” Carmilla screamed.  Now in her human form, Carmilla waded in the water in Laura’s direction. The whole library was shaking and bits of the walls and ceiling began to crumble, falling all around them. A large piece of brick hit Carmilla’s leg and caused her to stumble.  She quickly regained her balance and continued onto Laura. 

“Carm…” Laura said meekly.  Her hearing was shot from being hit by the waves but she could see Carmilla mouthing her name. As she continued to make her way toward Laura, the deep purple lines flowed from Carmilla’s mouth and danced around her body.  Then, as quickly as it came, the tingling in Laura’s eyes stopped and with it the deep purple lines.  

“Hey – hey, hey, it’s ok.  I got you,” Carmilla said when she reached Laura.  She hurriedly placed Laura on her back and switched to her cat form. She then broke into a sprint, slightly slowed by the pain in her leg, and headed for the main chamber of the library with the stained glass windows.  Along the way, Carmilla did her best to dodge every piece of stone and debris.    

Once they reached the main chamber, Carmilla climbed to the top of the one of the tallest bookshelves.  Even if she jumped, she knew she would still be a few yards shy of the window. Then there was her leg injury to consider. Trying to think quickly, Carmilla scaled the wall instead but her nails didn’t do much aside from making superficial scratches.  She had no grip and she just kept sliding down.  Laura and Carmilla then heard a loud crash echo from the direction they had just come.

“The whole damn place is caving in!”

“Carm, we can’t be here when it does!  We need to get out _now_!”  

“I know, I know, I know.  I just need to…” Carmilla said.  She paused, looked up at the ceiling and then began nodding to herself. 

“Laura, if I jump up with you on my back, do you think you can reach the window?”

Carmilla bent down and gestured to Laura for her to climb on her back.   Laura took a step back and shook her head and threw her hands up when Carmilla pawed at her.  

“Carm, no…I’m not leaving without you!” 

“Goddamnit, Laura!  Look, just – it’s going to be ok, alright?  I’ll be right behind you.”

Carmilla ignored her pleas of protest and with her tail, balanced Laura on the edge of the bookshelf, just under her hind legs.  She then grabbed a mouthful of books and threw them into the windows to make an opening. 

“Ok. Finally found your exit,” Carmilla said.

In response, Laura tried to weigh herself down.  She knew Carmilla was lying when she said she’d be right behind her.  After their years together, Laura never took for granted the security Carmilla’s presence gave her and if she didn’t wake up, Laura wanted to at least have Carmilla by her side for whatever else her nightmare may throw at her.

“Time to go, Cupcake.  Hope you don’t hold it against me when you wake up,” Carmilla said soothingly.

Carmilla then turned and bit down on the knot just below Laura’s navel where she had tied the arms of her jean jacket.  Crouching down, she concentrated the majority of her weight on her good leg and propelled herself upward.  In midair, Carmilla jerked her head and launched Laura through the opening.

Laura didn’t have time to tell Carmilla to stop; everything was happening so fast for her.  She watched her hands and legs flail wildly in front of her, all the while experiencing the sensation of falling, except she was falling up.  Briefly, Laura made eye contact with Carmilla and saw her body twist in the air as it transformed back into that of a human.  To her horror, Laura watched as Carmilla fell backwards into the bookshelf.  Her body hit it hard and the sound of Carmilla’s bones breaking rang in Laura's ears.

“CAARRRRMMMM!!”

A split second later, a blanket of silence crawled over Laura and then everything went white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a tough one to write and my struggle to get it all down was very much real - involves a crap ton of coffee and shirking real life responsibilities. Also, I think I might have taken liberties with Catmilla's size. Oops if I did. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you like it! 
> 
> Oh and feedback always welcome. :)


	3. Inheritance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura tries to remember her dream but ends up with musings on house décor instead. Also a little background on Laura and Carmilla's current living situation and holy shoots, Mattie the philanthropist? My goodness. Lastly, a teeny tiny bit of Hollstein fluff because, well, we can all use it right now.

Laura woke to the sudden jerk of her body and, as if her lungs had been deprived of it the entire time she was asleep, Laura found herself taking in deep gulps of air.  Struggling to move from under the weight she felt on her left side, she decided to give herself a few seconds to regain her composure.  She felt the faint warmth of the Carmilla’s body - the source of the weight - partially on hers and without looking, could tell she was in a deep sleep. Carmilla’s leg was wrapped around Laura’s and her arm lay across Laura’s chest.  Her face was nuzzled in Laura’s neck and Laura could feel the hairs near her left ear move with each intake and release of Carmilla’s breath. It tickled but not wanting to wake Carmilla, Laura tried her best to stay still but was only able to hold form for half a minute.  To prevent herself from squirming any further, Laura brushed the loose hairs behind her ear and chastised herself for not doing so sooner.

Ever since they moved in together, Laura always slept on her right side facing the window and in Carmilla’s embrace.  She loved the softness of Carmilla’s skin and on the mornings Laura woke up before her, she would run her fingers along Carmilla’s arm until she would reach her hand. She would then wrap her fingers around Carmilla’s, kiss her hand, and touch Carmilla’s fingertips to her lips. Laura’s favorite part of her morning ritual is how Carmilla, even half asleep, will rub her thumb across Laura’s lips in response.  Reaching for Carmilla’s hand, Laura felt that it was tangled in a lock of her hair. She freed it and continued on with her ritual.

Subconsciously, Laura began tracing her fingers back and forth over Carmilla’s thigh all the while trying hard to recall her dream from the night before. She had the leftover feeling of unease indicative of a nightmare and was disappointed to find that the harder she fought to remember her dream, the faster it seemed to recede into the back of her memory.  _I wonder if it’ll ever come back to me._ She thought.  She shifted under Carmilla so that she could stretch out her limbs and hoped the anxiety in the pit of her stomach would soon leave.

Laura moved her right hand from under her pillow to scratch her nose and rub the sleep out of her eyes.  After a few blinks Laura then stared at the farthest wall of their bedroom.  The wallpaper was a shimmery gray damask design that Laura thought had a high-class vintage air to it.  It reminded her of the pictures from magazines highlighting the homes of the affluent and every once in a while, it would dawn on her that she now lived in a home that could be featured in one of those magazines.

In the corner between the door and the bathroom was a rip in the wallpaper about the size of her hand.  Following the rip with her eyes, she saw that it traveled upwards and disappeared into the white crown molding.  _We should take care of that._   She noted.  Her gaze then went onto the ceiling and its white decorative tiles. One by one, she studied the lines in each of the ceiling’s corners.  When she reached the fourth one, she followed the line to the many symmetrical circles that surrounded the recessed lighting. Whenever she was stressed and needed a mental break or just wanted to clear her thoughts before embarking on a new piece, Laura would stare at the ceiling and draw inspiration from the never-ending circles on the tiles.  _They almost look like the ripples that appear in water after you throw a stone in it._ She thought. 

Laura remembered when they first moved in, she didn’t care much for the ceiling tiles but eventually they grew on her.  The problem was that they were too close in looks to the ones in the Dean’s old apartment.  She knew she was being crazy but back then, she couldn’t help but feel like the Dean was still near whenever she looked at them.  When Laura had suggested they replace them, Carmilla vehemently refused. She was quite fond of them and had explained to Laura that she and her sister personally chose them during their last renovation of the place.

The apartment had served as a necessary hideout for the sisters throughout their years associated with Silas and although their timing might not have always lined up, the two would make it a point to meet every few years. Each time they did, they discussed everything from their lives to world events and even their mother’s exceptionally questionable parenting choices while working to update their adopted home.

Carmilla said that some of her favorite memories of Matska were of the times they renovated the apartment.  They would carefully choose furnishings that suited the fads of whatever time period they were in, while still saving enough room to incorporate all the favorite pieces they had accumulated over the centuries.  Matska would say that their beloved apartment was 1200 years in the making – that it was every eclectic designer’s dream; a pinnacle of design for which people would strive but would always fail because they lacked her very experienced eyes, Carmilla had told Laura. 

With Carmilla so passionate about the ceiling tiles, Laura had settled with telling herself that bad taste must run in that family – as if a mutated gene of sorts that, despite not being blood related, managed to find its way in each of them and express itself as an affinity for atrocious ceiling décor. Of course, that wasn’t something Laura said to Carmilla.  Instead, Laura had acquiesced and reasoned that keeping them was the more practical choice. Carmilla had agreed, knowing what little they had for monetary funds.  Carmilla thoughtfully added that she didn’t want either of them to have to commit any sweat equity for new projects; they were much too tired for that, especially with the aftermath of Silas being barely behind them – just getting back on their feet would be difficult enough. 

At the time, however, Carmilla had not been aware of the fortune her sister left behind in her name – a fortune large enough to sustain the couple for several lifetimes of lavish living.  After they moved in, Laura was the one who found Matska’s will in a briefcase while cleaning her old study.  When Carmilla read it, she was surprised to see “ _Carmilla_ Karnstein” in the will.  With the exception of nicknames, Matska had consistently called her by her birth name, “Mircalla.”  There was only one instance in which she had called Carmilla by her preferred name and that was right before her death in their mother’s old apartment. Seeing “Carmilla” denoted that she had taken the time to revise her will after reuniting with her little sister.

The next document in Matska’s briefcase was Carmilla’s birth certificate. When they studied it, they saw that the year of Carmilla’s birth had been doctored to “1994” to suit her physical appearance while at the same time still giving her a couple years of cushion. Laura remembered Carmilla touching her name and commenting that it now matched her name in Matska’s will. On the top right of the certificate was a note with detailed instructions explaining how to properly doctor her birth certificate if needed.  

Lastly, in a beautiful maroon envelope was her letter to Carmilla. It was succinct yet sweet. In it, Matska expressed her concern over her sister’s safety after their mother’s death and what precautions she needed to take in protecting herself.  She also noted that because she was aware of her little sister’s inclination towards reckless behavior, this was her way of ensuring Carmilla a comfortable future in the event of her own death.  To Laura’s surprise, Matska had listed endowments she had established anonymously for several foundations that she hoped Carmilla would continue. However, she was sure to note that it was ultimately Carmilla’s choice now that the money was hers. Most supported the arts but there were several advocating for at risk youth and others that promoted LGBTQIA awareness - Laura suspected that Carmilla might have been the inspiration for the latter.  Matska’s letter ended with a postscript regarding Carmilla’s “little human” and how she hoped it would truly work out for her this time.  If not, then at least Carmilla would have a beautiful meal awaiting her.

Laura wasn’t bothered by Matska’s quip at her.  She knew it her way of leaving Carmilla a small comfort that she would no longer be around to provide.  Furthermore, Laura knew that the sisters had a strong bond but it was Matska’s care and meticulous attention to detail over her little sister’s safety that left Laura speechless. The deepness of their friendship left an impression on Laura as that was something she never really had growing up. Laura thought back to the time Carmilla threatened to kill them all and how she said Laura wouldn’t understand the concept of 300 years of friendship.  She was right.  More right than she would ever know.  Before University, Laura could barely understand the concept of 3 years of friendship. Laura had been isolated for most of her life and it wasn’t until she got to Silas when she truly learned what it was to be surrounded by friends.  She loved her father and knew he had done his best in raising her, but it had always been just the two of them.  She wondered if that was the reason she felt she couldn’t just leave Silas in ruins. Despite all that happened, she couldn’t abandon the school that had given her a new life filled with precious friends and Carmilla. 

For Laura, Matska’s will left her wishing she got to know the woman Carmilla so obviously adored and looked up to.  In Matska’s beautiful cursive, Laura saw a story of a woman whose true colors were spread over a multitude of chapters; all someone had to do was take the time to turn the pages to see them.  Unfortunately, Laura thought, her book was now closed forever.  For Carmilla, the discovery had all been too much to handle - her sister’s last gesture of love had left her inconsolable for days. Laura worried that Carmilla would equate this to a third death for her sister and fall into a depression she wouldn’t be able to get her out of.  Carmilla had even disappeared for a day leaving Laura scared that something had happened to her but she returned, as she always did. 

Laura’s thoughts were interrupted by a twitch in Carmilla’s hand. She then turned her head and saw that the clock read “8:34AM.”  She remembered that Carmilla had a meeting at noon and judging from her soft snores, would need extra help getting up and ready.  Laura moved her hand over to Carmilla’s butt and patted at it lightly.

“Carm.  Carm, you need to get up.” Laura gave Carmilla’s butt a few more light pats.  “Carm, baby, don’t forget you have a meeting at noon and it’s already 8:34.” 

Carmilla grumbled and buried her face deeper into Laura’s neck.

“That tickles! Come on, we both need to get up,” Laura said pinching Carmilla’s butt.  “Bleh…and I feel like someone dropped an anvil on me and I’ve been stuck under it for days.”

“………….”

“Fine, I’ll get up first so you can have a few minutes then.”

“Mmmmmm…”

Laura kissed Carmilla’s forehead then wriggled out from under her.   As she swung her legs over the side of the bed, she caught sight of the blue jeans she was wearing and finally noticed that she was still in the same clothes as yesterday.  Little by little, Laura recalled the night before. 

 _The curtains._   Looking over to Carmilla’s side of the bed, Laura saw a pile of pillows Carmilla had created to block the sun’s rays from directly touching her.  Just beyond the pillow pile, Laura could see one end of the curtain rod that she had dropped.  _Oh Carm, no wonder you’re tired._   Laura thought guiltily.  She quickly walked over to rehang the curtains but tripped on the bottom drawer of her bureau that was left on the floor. 

“Ow, shit!” Laura said as she sat down and grabbed the throbbing toes of her left foot.  “Ugh…damnit.”

“Laura?”

“It’s ok, Carm.  Go back to sleep for a little bit longer.”

“Did you hurt yourself?  Let me take a look.”  

“No, really.  I’m fine. It’s just me, tripping over all of my life’s regrets over here.  Now that that’s said and done, you can go back to sleep.” 

“Laur—“

An anger began to rise in Laura’s chest and without thinking she grabbed a fistful of clothes from the drawer and flung them across the room while yelling that she was fine.  Carmilla slowly sat up and stared at Laura with a hard look.  Seeing the fatigue on Carmilla’s face made Laura instantly hate herself for what she’d just done – her guilt only fueling her anger even more.  Laura let out a shaky breath and looked at Carmilla in defeat. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that.  I’m just so tired of being like this and feeling like crap all the time. And it was nice to actually be able to wake up to you and I just ruined everything because, apparently I can’t even do simple chores now without me doing something crazy. I just ruin _everything_.”  Laura said as she threw her hands in the air.

“Laura, that’s not true,” Carmilla said now standing. 

“Carm, you had to make a fucking pillow fort because I couldn’t handle hanging the curtains!  I mean what the hell?!  What if you got burned –“

“Laura, I’m not just going to spontaneously combust –“

“–or what if I’m in the middle of something, anything – god, I can’t even think of an example right now, but something important and I go all crazy trance, trance revolution and, oh – I don’t know, burn our house down!?”

“You won’t, just calm do—“

“I just had a crazy mood swing – who knows, this tirade could still be part of that, but what if I--“

“Cupcake.”

“–actually threw something heavy and it went through the window and then it conked some poor old lady over the head –“

“ _Cupcake_.”

“–and then she dropped her groceries so now she can’t even make dinner for her nineteen grandchildren because all the eggs broke?!”

Carmilla couldn’t hold it in any longer.  She laughed so hard that she doubled over and fell back onto their bed. “Laura…’trance, trance revolution’? ’ _Nineteen_ grandchildren?’  And the ‘eggs’?  What?!” 

“I’m serious Carm!” Laura pouted.  “And don’t make fun of me and my eggs.  They’re a good source of protein and you need to eat them more.  Great for keeping the muscles in those vampire arms of yours in top shape.” 

Carmilla got back up and plopped herself down in front of Laura. “Ok, ok.  I know,” Carmilla said smiling.  She grabbed Laura’s hurt foot, placed it on her lap, and began massaging it.

“So, aside from nearly breaking your toes off, how are you feeling?  Did you sleep ok?”

“Well, I woke up feeling weird.  Kind of like I was flying but at the same time drowning…but I don’t know what in…does that even make sense?  And I felt so sad, like there was this cloud of dread but it was inside my stomach. It had to have been a bad dream or something. I can’t remember but I just felt so heavy with, I don’t know….like an anxiety but I don’t know what I was anxious about.”

“So you can’t remember your dream at all?  Any of it?”

“No…I tried to, but it just slipped into the back of my mind, you know?”

“Maybe that’s not such a bad thing considering how you woke up.”

“Carm?”

“Hmmm?”

“It was really bad last night, wasn’t it?”

Carmilla was tempted to lie but she knew that Laura would know. Apparently, Carmilla had a tell. Whenever she lied, she would lightly purse her lips and ever so slightly raise her right eyebrow. Laura had told her it was almost as if Carmilla’s face was daring Laura to believe her, not that it mattered because she didn’t anyway.  Much too tired from the previous night to try to control her face, Carmilla opted for the truth.

“Yeah, it’s definitely up there – I think it’s safe to say it’s probably number one or two on your greatest hits list,” Carmilla said, garnering a smile from Laura. “But seriously, I haven’t seen you like that in a while, now that I think about it.  No vomit though, so I guess that’s a plus,” Carmilla continued.

“What’s wrong with me, Carm?  Do you think it’s some kind of disease?  You and LaF have been working on this for how long and I thought with JP around we would’ve found something but…”

“I don’t know, or I don’t think so.  LaF and I have been devouring all the information we can and nothing points to a disease like one you can contract.  And JP’s been a huge help too.  I know you’d think this would all go so much faster with him but, there’s just so many unkowns we need to account for.  They’ve been running numerous blood tests too – oh, that reminds me, they’ll probably need new samples soon  – and LaF’s developed a system to get us through the tests faster so that’s good too.”

“Do you think there’s a chance we may never know?  That I’ll just keep getting worse until I’ve lost my mind or – or lost myself? What if it’s a mental thing? And that’s fine about the samples. Maybe I’ll go in with you in the next few days.  It’d be nice to see everyone.”

“No, no, that’s not what I’m saying.  We just need to keep researching.  We’re going to figure this all out, Laura.  We just need to keep crossing off the possibilities and we’ll hit the right one soon enough.  And you’ve got one of the best minds on the case, not me, I know, but LaF.  And everyone’s been asking about you so it would be nice if you’d grace them with your presence,” Carmilla chuckled.   “As for it being mental...well, you’ve always been a little cuckoo for chokoa crunch...so…” 

Carmilla brought Laura’s foot close to her face and then quickly kissed the bottoms of her toes, making Laura giggle.

“And before I forget, were all of those cupcakes for LaF downstairs?”

“Oh gosh, the cupcakes!  I have to make a new batch.  Do you think I’ll have enough time before you head out?”

“I was actually curious if you made any for me?  You know how I like the chocolate ones that you make – the ones with all the little sprinkles on them.”

“Well, I did have a special one saved for you until things went horribly sideways last night…” Laura said while tugging on one of Carmilla’s belt loops. She watched the skin on Carmilla’s cheeks go from a soft pink to a rose color.  

“Hey...don’t tease…”

“I’m not!  I’m just saying.”

“Ok, well can I say something then?”

“Sure thing, baby.”

“So I don’t know what’s worse right now.  All this rude sexual teasing, your breath, my breath, or your feet!”

“ _Carm!_ ”

Carmilla stood up laughing and pulled Laura to her feet.  She then ushered her into the bathroom and grabbed the toothpaste. Laura picked up her toothbrush and thrusted it at Carmilla while baring her teeth.  Carmilla made a pained face and grabbed her side, pretending to have been stabbed by Laura’s toothbrush sword.  Laura laughed while Carmilla put toothpaste on their toothbrushes and the pair began brushing their teeth.  Once finished, Carmilla told Laura to get a head start washing up while she tidied up the bedroom. As she left the bathroom, Carmilla pulled the door handle towards her, but left the door slightly ajar so she could still hear Laura just in case. 

Carmilla walked around picking up the thrown clothes from the floor and then tucked them neatly into the drawer before placing it back into the bureau. Afterwards, she used the stool Laura had left out to quickly hang the blackout curtains.  It’s not that Carmilla couldn’t handle being in the sun at all. She loved the sun and the feeling of warmth crawling over her skin as its rays hit her, but if left exposed for too long, she would develop a rash that would reside on her skin for days. Too busy to be dealing with skin conditions she told herself and carried on. 

Carmilla heard Laura flush the toilet and then the sound of the shower springing to life.  Once she knew Laura was in the shower, Carmilla sighed and grabbed her phone.  She dialed LaFontaine’s number and waited for them to answer.

“Hey, it’s me. – LaF, she had another attack last night and it was bad, really bad. She also had that dream again but it was different this time.  – Yeah. – Do you think you can get JP to prep the equipment ahead of time? – No…the same, she doesn’t remember anything.  – Differe—yeah, it was just _so_ crazy. – Well, let’s just say I feel like shit and my back is killing me.  – Ok, just don’t forget I’m already dead so no comments on my looks. – Ha. Undead, yeah.  –I—“

“Carm?  Can you bring in a new soap when you get in?  I want that honey milk one.  I think something bit me last night.  My arms are all itchy.” Laura called out.

“Sure thing,” Carmilla responded.

“Ok, sorry, what was I saying? – Ah, yeah.  Maybe you or JP can spot something once we upload my feed.  – No, don’t worry about me.  I mean, you know.  – LaF, I’ll be ok, really. – Was that JP? – No, no please tell him not to worry about me.  – Let’s just focus on Laura.  – Mmmm hmmm. – Ok, will do. – Yep, yeah. – See you soon. – Oh, and LaF? – Thank you.”  

Carmilla quietly put away her phone and slumped down on her side of the bed.  She took a deep breath and slowly released the air from her lungs.  She was exhausted and just wanted to shut her eyes and fall into a deep, dreamless sleep but knew the earliest opportunity for that wouldn’t be for another 10 hours or so. 

“Hey, Carm? Are you coming?”

“Yep, be right there Cupcake.  Just took a few tries to get the drawer back in.”   

Carmilla turned and looked over at Laura’s pillow, then upwards towards the ceiling tiles.  She loved looking at the circles.  To her, they represented the different lives her and her sister led and now the life she led with Laura was among them.  Her eyes continued onto the farthest wall and fell on the rip in the wallpaper. She continued to stare at it while running her fingers through her hair and a sense of nostalgia washed over her. She missed her sister and her seemingly infinite wisdom dearly – how she always knew the right things to say and the right things to do.  With Matska now gone, the worries of adulthood weighed heavily on Carmilla’s shoulders and for the first time in over three hundred years, Carmilla felt truly old.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know it's a big change in pace coming from the last chapter but I hope you like it nonetheless. I figured I'd have to start doing some background info at some point so why not start in ch. 3? Oh well. 
> 
> Also, I am a complete slut for Mattie. Fell in love with her the second she showed up in that damn black trench coat and absolutely loved Sophia Walker's portrayal of her character. Even more, I loved the scenes between Mattie and Carmilla that pointed to a deep yet nuanced understanding between them. So this is essentially my take on that and my play with the idea that despite the years shared between the two, there's still a chance for pleasant surprises. 
> 
> Aaaaand I am a total Hollstein whore. My god. I need help. I swear there better be a season 3. 
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for reading and as always, feedback is more than welcome! :)


	4. Insecurities Shared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla has some thoughts on campus architecture, vegetation, and stranger danger while LaFontaine's inner confectionist shines over discussions of lycanthropy. The buddies also have a mini heart to heart that shows just how far their friendship has come along and in which Carmilla is surprisingly loquacious. Wait, excuse me, Carm having a heart-to-heart? Perhaps our lovely useless vampire is more sap than brood? *screams then swoons to the moon* Also, J.P. has a special love for Carmilla's wardrobe choices and Catmillaaaaaaa. ;)

Carmilla stood outside the main gates of Silas University and pulled out her sunglasses from the inner pocket of her black trench coat. On her way to the campus, she had been so engrossed in her thoughts on Laura’s dream that she hadn’t noticed it started snowing until now and she wondered if Laura was watching the snowfall from their living room window.  She knew how much Laura loved the snow and was sad that she wasn’t at home, sitting by the window and watching it with her. 

After putting on her sunglasses, Carmilla watched the snow falling on the rooftops of the myriad buildings across campus and took in the laughter of a group of girls showing each other pictures on their phones.  Just beyond the group was the campus promenade; its center housing the beautiful fountain that Carmilla often sat at when she would avoid her mother.  The fountain had been her front row seat to the changes of society for most of the last century and Carmilla missed sitting there and listening to the sounds of the water flowing. She found them soothing but the water valve for the fountain had been shut off so as to avoid any unnecessary weather related strains on the ancient pipes.  _Would’ve been nice to sit there for a little bit today._   Carmilla thought.  

From where she stood, Carmilla took in the silhouette of the campus. As a student within the campus, she would note the changes over the years – a building added here, a dorm renovated there, a payphone placed near a popular hangout – but never with too much care. Now standing outside of its gates, Carmilla was reminded of how much her life had changed and yet, like Silas, there was still a long list of areas that needed work.  It was a daunting task considering more than half the campus had been destroyed in the final battle with the Dean, and despite the significant progress they had made, Silas seemed to be under a state of never ending construction. Knowing how Laura felt about leaving Silas behind, Carmilla decided to use part of the money her sister left her to directly help their school – She would help rebuild it for Laura. Always for Laura.

Looking at some of the visibly sectioned off areas, Silas looked a little worse for wear to Carmilla.  _Just like the rest of us._   So much had happened in the last five years alone and to her, the rebuilding of Silas seemed to mirror the rebuilding of her life. Slow, with many areas being worked on at once, but with a hope that soon it will no longer be the case of rebuilding what was lost, but merely building upon what is there. 

Before entering the campus, Carmilla watched as several students ran across the courtyard while throwing snowballs at each other.  Once they were out of sight, she passed through the gates and began making her way across the walkway.  She took a quick look at her watch and saw that it was two minutes past noon. _Oh well, already late.  Might as well._ Carmilla told herself. She texted LaFontaine that she was running late and then made a detour toward the Summer Society building. After a few minutes of walking, she came to a stop at a bench under a large pine tree with bits of its brilliant green needles peeking out from under the piles of snow on its branches. A group of clouds passed by exposing the sun and Carmilla tilted her head upwards to feel its warmth on her face. With her head already tilted, she tried to spot the top of the tree.  She craned her neck further back but even then, could just barely make it out. _So goddamn tall, I swear._   She then shifted the box of cupcakes from her right hand to her left and dug in her pocket for her handkerchief.  Almost dropping the cupcakes, Carmilla brushed away a section of snow on the bench and placed them on it.  From there, she took a few steps toward the tree and spotted the small copper plaque that read: “Austrian Pine – Pinus Nigra var. Austriaca.”

“It’s one of the toughest in Europe and is known to stabilize the grounds around it,” said a soft voice behind Carmilla. 

Without turning her head, Carmilla nodded and trying to hold in her annoyance said, “Yes, that’s very true.” 

A short girl in a large navy blue overcoat and a red pleated skirt shuffled up to the tree.  Carmilla saw she was carrying an armful of thick books and nearly dropped all of them as she rubbed out a small patch of dirt on the plaque. Looking at her, Carmilla could tell that under the bulk of her overcoat was a tiny, lean physique and wondered if her arms were tired from the combined weight of her books. As she moved, so did her tan satchel and Carmilla caught sight of a faded Summer Society patch sewn onto the bottom of the outer flap.  The girl turned around, smiling at first, but then became flustered upon recognizing Carmilla and her chestnut colored eyes opened wide in a panic.  They reminded Carmilla of Laura’s eyes whenever she thought she did something wrong and seeing Laura in the girl’s expression led Carmilla’s annoyance to fade. 

“Oh my gosh, I’m – I’m so sorry Ms. Karnstein.  I didn’t mean to interrupt.  I, ummm, only saw you from behind so I didn’t see who you were. I – oh no, I’ll leave you be. I should’ve, ummm, I should’ve checked. I’m so, so sorry agai—“

“Hey, hey. It’s ok,” Carmilla said raising her hands.  The girl looked at the off-white handkerchief that flapped in Carmilla’s hand and then looked down at her navy blue boots like a child about to receive a scolding.

“I’m curious, how did you know about the tree?” Carmilla asked as she put her handkerchief back into her pocket.

“Oh, ummm…my grandparents have this beautiful garden and I would play in it for hours as a kid.  They raised me since I was about four years old so I guess you can say I’ve always had a thing for plants and stuff because of it.  I was so excited when they told me Silas had an arboretum and that I’d be able to find all sorts of plants and trees around the campus too.” The girl balanced her books on her hip and used her free hand to brush her curly hair away from her eyes before continuing.  “This is my first semester so I’m still only taking electives but…ummm…I’ve sat in one or two horticulture classes and that’s how I recognized the tree – Oh shoot! I can’t believe I just told you that! I’m so sorry, I know the ummm, the uh, student handbook says no auditing without permission, but –“  

“I’m not here to turn anyone in,” said Carmilla assuredly. 

“Oh my gosh, thank you so much.  I’m having a hard enough time making friends so I would imagine being singled out by someone tied to admin, especially someone like you, it would just, umm...it would be a doozy.”  The girl smiled nervously and then looked down at her feet again.  “I come here often to read or just, umm, watch the clouds. It’s nice because I can lean back against the tree but I still have the option of the bench.”

“I see…Are you part of the Summer Society?” Carmilla asked, pointing at the patch on her satchel. 

“Oh yeah, this old thing?  It’s my grandma’s old patch.  But no, I’m not…but I’d like to be.  The women on my mom’s side were all Summers so it’s kind of family tradition.  Unfortunately for me, I was born a preemie so I don’t exactly have the build for it, but I’ve been working hard to get stronger so hopefully I can make it in next semester or the one after that.”

A look of sadness fell on the girl’s face and Carmilla felt an odd need to comfort her.  “Looks like you’re making progress already,” Carmilla said looking at the girl’s books. “I know a girl who was in a similar situation with the whole family tradition thing.  She worked hard and boy did she make one hell of a Summer when she became one. Another girl I knew, she was the bravest of them all, and well, she too always worked hard.  If you keep it up, I don’t doubt you’ll get in.”

The girl jumped up in delight and gave Carmilla a wide grin.  “Thank you, Ms. Karnstein.  I umm, I really needed that.”  Not knowing what to say, Carmilla just started at the girl and wondered what it was that about her that caused her to be so out of character.  _Definitely the eyes._ She concluded. “And, umm…I’m Callie by the way and, I have to say, and please, please, please don’t take this the wrong way but ummm, but you’re not as scary as some say you are.  You’re- you’re actually very nice.”

Carmilla blushed and looked around nervously to see if anyone was near. The thought that anyone aside from her close knit group of friends seeing her like this made her incredibly nervous. Even factoring in her years with Laura, it was nothing compared to the years she spent building her cold and careless persona.  On some level, deep in the back of her mind, she knew the real reason she didn’t want to come off as too welcoming was her fear of allowing yet another person in her life that she had the potential of losing.  Remembering her audience, Carmilla nodded.  “It was nice to meet you, Callie.  Good luck with the Summers.” 

Taking the hint, Callie thanked Carmilla again before waving her a goodbye and trotting off past the Summer Society building.  Carmilla shook her head and scanned the area around to be sure there would be no further interruptions.

“Ugh..fuck, what time is it?” Carmilla said looking at her watch. She was now almost twenty minutes late. She reached for her phone and shot LaFontaine another text message apologizing again and saying she’d “be there in 5.” Carmilla put away her phone and then bent down at the base of the tree and began brushing away at a small mound of pine needles and snow to uncover another copper plaque. It was set in a cement block that had the telltale Summer Society design of arrows chiseled along its edges.

Carmilla used her handkerchief to wipe off the dirt and debris she found on the plaque and when she finished cleaning it, she removed her black leather glove and touched her right hand to it.  She let the cold travel up her fingers before running her hand across it. As she did, she closed her eyes and felt the bumps that formed the inscription.  She didn’t have to see it.  At this point she knew it by heart.  She knew all of them by heart.  Running her finger across the letters, Carmilla recited the words inside her head:

 

Danny Lawrence

1993 - 2016

Sister, Friend, and Hero

May Your Sacrifice Never Be Forgotten

And Your Soul Rest In An Eternal Summer

Dedicated To Your Loving Memory

By Your Summer Sisters and Zeta Brothers

 

“I know it’s been a while…I’ve just been a bit busy.  As for Laura, she could be better but we’re all doing our best to help her.  Don’t worry, though. I’m going to see her through this. Even if it means I end up as some pathetic looking pygmy tree planted right next to your colossal, sun-hogging ass. Would be my luck too.”

Carmilla stood up and took a good look at the plaque. She stared at the green patina starting to form on top of the letters “D” and “a” and then at the pile of snow and pine needles she had moved off the plaque.  _We should hire more grounds keepers to keep all of these clean._ Knowing she should have left already, Carmilla put her glove back on and reached for the box of cupcakes.  “Catch you later, Xena,” Carmilla said.  She took one last look at the tree before briskly walking in the direction of LaFontaine’s laboratory.

* * *

 

Carmilla knocked on the door to LaFontaine’s laboratory and waited to be let it. Almost a minute had passed and with no LaFontaine still, she decided to let herself in. Carmilla entered and leaned back against the door and spotted LaFontaine with a pair of clear goggles resting on their head in the back part of the room.  Her eyes then took in the red and white checkered bowtie that hung slightly askew under their lab coat and Carmilla smiled at just how much her friend looked like a mad scientist running around. 

“Knock, knock.  Cupcake delivery.” Carmilla said in a deadpan voice.

“Hey Car!  Be right there.” LaFontaine bent down to wipe a pink slime from her red loafers and then quickly made her way over to Carmilla. “Well, well, well. Don’t we look like we just rolled outta a crushed coffin.  Guess you weren’t kidding about it being crazy last night.  No offense, you look like shit,” LaFontaine said. 

“Yeah, well, I feel like it too, as I had mentioned earlier.  Just like how I asked you not to comment on how I look.”  

“I forget.” LaFontaine eagerly took the box of cupcakes from Carmilla’s hand and peeked inside.  Their eyes grew wide and they threw their hands up in the air. “I gotta say, with all the crazy gods and what not out there, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them - like a cupcake god or something - had a hand in bringing Laura to us because these are freakin’ heavenly.”   

The two looked inside the box once more to admire Laura’s handiwork before LaFontaine put them away.  LaFontaine returned and then stuck her hand out.   “Here, let me take your coat.”

“Thanks – ah, I think my shirt’s caught.” 

LaFontaine wiggled the end of Carmilla’s black sweater free, taking care not to rip the delicate fabric.  Accidentally pulling her sweater up a little too far, LaFontaine saw the burn scars on Carmilla’s right side just above her pant line.  Carmilla flinched and quickly covered her scars with her hand while LaFontaine fumbled with her trench, folding it into thirds and then placing it on the steel countertop.

“S-sorry, I –“

“LaF, it’s - it’s ok.”  Carmilla looked off to the side awkwardly ran her fingers through her hair. “Anyway, where’s J.P.?”

“Oh yeah, sorry, Jeep wasn’t able to prep the equipment like you asked.  He’s in the temp library helping some students dry a few books.  Apparently, a bunch of inebriated varsity swim team members thought it was a good idea to try to take some of the larger tomes out for a swim. The best part is the tomes started chasing them under water while the glee club did an impromptu acapella rendition of the Jaw’s theme from a balcony nearby.  Some things never change, eh?” LaFontaine said while trying to hold in their laughter.  Carmilla smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

“So I just started warming up the equipment about 10 minutes ago. It’s been quite the morning but it does help that we’re meeting a little later today,” said LaFontaine.

“I think we’re all having ‘quite the morning,’ said Carmilla almost mockingly. “But, it was nice to sleep in a bit.”  

LaFontaine smiled and pushed Carmilla toward the examination chair and sat her down. They rolled up the sleeves of their lab coat and went to fetch the necessary supplies from the lab table.

“Alright, ready?” LaFontaine asked. Carmilla nodded and braced herself for the pinch of the needle.  “Oooh ok, in it goes…alright, just a few more seconds...aaand…we’re good!” LaFontaine withdrew the needle from Carmilla’s left arm and wiped away the drop of blood that followed.  “Ok, well, you know the drill.  Spill the beans while we wait.”

“Yep, just - ah - need a second.”  Carmilla scrunched her face and clenched her fists.  The sensation of the injection slowly spread from the entry point in her arm and prickled her skin as it made its way throughout her body. The worst part for her was when the substance reached her fingernails.  It made her feel like her nails would either start eroding away or just fall off. “You’d think I’d be used to this by now, but it’s a weird feeling every time,” Carmilla said.

“Well, it isn’t like your normal shot.  Like I said before, I had to make the formula extra strong so that it bonds with all the Lophii juice still floating around in your system. Considering that was practically primordial god soup you ingested, you were bound to have some funky side effects. Let’s just be thankful that so far they actually have been working in our favor.  And don’t forget, we got lucky with this discovery, mind you. It’s a good thing Jeep was on point that day and caught that Lophii’s blood changed the composition of your feline genes.”

“I suppose.  Still sucks feeling nauseated though.”

“Sucks,” LaFontaine said laughing.  Carmilla rolled her eyes at her own word choice. 

LaFontaine patted Carmilla on the shoulder then stood up from their chair and moved towards a section of cabinets.  Opening the one closest to them, LaFontaine reached in a pulled out a glass jar filled with lollipops.  Eyeing the jar, Carmilla noticed that the lollipop wrappers all had designs; they were miniature classic horror film monsters, stylized in 8-bit pixels.  LaFontaine dug around and grabbed a red lollipop with a female vampire on the wrapper – the blood done in tiny red squares dripping from the gleaming whiteness of the teeth.  Carmilla noted that it bore a striking resemblance to herself. 

“Oh, god.  What is that? Is that _me_?”

“Like it?  Neat, right? It was Jeep’s idea! We thought some of the students would appreciate a little pick-me-up after getting some shots or whatever testing done.  Kind of like when you’re a kid at the doctor’s office and they give you a treat for not screaming your head off while you get injected with meds.  We thought Franks, Dracs, bats, werewolves, and mummies would be cute. He even wanted to do a series on all your cat forms…I told him it might be a little much, especially considering how you reacted when he named the machine the Kitty Carm Cam,” LaFontaine said while tapping the giant, bulky monitor next to Carmilla.   

“Don’t remind me.”

“Ehhhh, you know it helps him deal with his own stuff and you should see how far he’s gotten with his kitty catalogue on your different forms. May not seem like it, but it is useful info.” 

“Wait, LaF, what’re you giving the students?  _Why_ are you giving them anything? You can’t just start treating them with whatever for whatever.  That’s what the Health Office is for,” Carmilla said squinting her eyes at LaFontaine. “Oh god, are you running experiments again LaF?  We talked about this! I can’t have another liability to worry about.”

“Noooo! It’s not like that, I promise. Jeep and I were just working on, uh - I mean, working _with_ a sample body of students with a reported history of lycanthropy in their family. Kind of random, but we were curious to see if intense lunar imagery would have any effect on their physiological state. Latent lycanthropy is what we’re thinking.  Obviously, we’re just looking at a very, very casual form of inferential statistics here, and the potential sampling error is huge, but still something kind of neat to consider.”

“LaF…”

LaFontaine handed Carmilla the lollipop and explained that the ones with the mini Carmilla’s were made specifically for her.  They were a mixture of three quarters synthesized blood and one quarter strawberry flavoring.  Carmilla unwrapped the treat and upon tasting it, was pleasantly surprised at how well the sweetness of the strawberry flavoring balanced the bold taste of the iron. She raised her eyebrows and nodded in approval. 

“Pretty good.  So J.P. came up with this?”

“I came up with the formula, but J.P. thought we should make special wrappers for yours.  He even picked out your outfit.” LaFontaine took the wrapper from Carmilla’s hand and smoothed it out to show her the design. “See!  It’s your purple pants and black cape shirt!  He even made sure to get your boots in there.  I have a feeling that was his way of making it easier for him to pick them out so he can sneak of coupl—“

“Hey, wait!  What the hell did you mean by ‘intense’ lunar imagery?” Carmilla held her breath knowing the answer would probably horrify her. 

LaFontaine nervously looked at a door just beyond where Carmilla was seated and thought about the contents inside.  “Well, so…the students, er -the volunteers, rather – I mean the student volunteers are prompted to stay in a sensory deprivation room and are shown large, bright images of the moon.  Then, we check if their bodies respond in any way…over the course of a day or two. But we feed them, of course! Don’t want any accidents on the off chance the latent lycanthropy turns into a not so latent case of lycanthropy and I’m the only meat around.”

“LAF! You know the last thing I need is for some kid’s parent to come barging in my office with some let-me-speak-to-the-manager intense haircut – you know which ones I’m talking about.”

LaFontaine guffawed and had to take a few seconds to catch their breath.

“Ok, wait, I take that back.  I’m skirting the HR line. That comment stays between us. I’ve been out of it lately. You know I couldn’t care less what people look like..sort of…depending on the day.”

“Sir, yes ma’am!”  LaFontaine gestured an exaggerated salute.  “No, but really, I know you don’t.  Oh and speaking of HR, the students – like I said, the students - they’re all volunteers, I swear.  We got all the forms and paperwork in order and they’ve already been submitted and approved by the HR department. Bunch of soul suckers those guys. Literally.  I think ‘ _In_ human Resources’ would be the more appropriate term for that department.”

Carmilla nodded and then leaned back in her chair.  The lollipop helped significantly but she was still feeling slightly nauseated and felt herself start to salivate in the back of her mouth. Trying to take her mind off how she was feeling, Carmilla changed the subject. 

“You know she’s expecting you and J.P. to come over for Christmas.”

“Oh, what was that now?” 

“I know you’re busy and all, but she really misses having you guys around. Especially now that she’s been cooped up at home.”

“And Mr. Hollis?”

“Oh yeah, I’m just bursting at the seams with excitement to ask him,” Carmilla said sarcastically.  She then paused and looked at LaFontaine.  “Don’t you dare tell her that.” 

LaFontaine snorted and continued prepping the video equipment.

“And of course we’ll be there.  You didn’t even have to ask.  Did she say what she’s cooking?” 

“Not yet, but she’s been squirrelling away recipes for months now.   You two could always lend a hand too, you know.  She loves it when there’s a whole bunch of us little Christmas elves helping her out.”

“I could, but it’s waaaay more fun watching you struggle as her sous chef. Is she going to have you dress up again? I do have to say I loved last year’s Vamp Santa.  That beard was an especially nice touch.”

“Oh shut up.” Carmilla seemed annoyed but LaFontaine could have sworn they saw the corners of Carmilla’s lips curl upward.

A soft beeping coming from the direction of the video equipment sounded and LaFontaine walked over towards its direction and pressed a series of flashing, multi-colored buttons.  “Looks like the K.C.C. is almost ready and with how you’ve been blinking super slowly the past few minutes, you’re just about ready too.  I’d say we’ve got about 10 more minutes,” LaFontaine said to Carmilla.

“Got it.”

“So, last night – what happened?”

Carmilla filled LaFontaine in on what she considered was one of Laura’s worse attacks and recounted in as much detail as she could how Laura was physically reacting during it.  Without interrupting Carmilla, LaFontaine listened intently and took copious notes in a leather-bound notebook. When Carmilla finished telling them what she saw in Laua’s dream, LaFontaine sat in silence for a few seconds to gather their thoughts before speaking. 

“Have you told her yet?  I mean, does she know that it really is you in her dreams?  And that you aren’t just a figment of her imagination?” 

“I did – technically.”

“Ok, care to explain this ‘technically’ you speak of?”

“Mmm…she was asleep one night and I was listening to her heartbeat to make sure that it wasn’t elevated.  That’s how I can tell when she’s having a nightmare.  There’s a certain rhythm to it.  Like a ba-ta-ta-ta-tum, ba-ta-ta-ta-tum,” Carmilla said tapping her ring, middle, and index finger on the armrest in a quick beat.  Her heartbeat was slower, because she was in a deep sleep and I put another blanket on her.  I didn’t mean to, but I woke her up.  She was a little out of it and she told me in that little sleepy voice of hers,” Camilla paused for a small laugh before continuing.  “She told me that she was scared that she might have a nightmare and I told her not to worry because I promise I would be there.  That all she would have to do is call out to me so I could find her, you know. I said it a couple more times but I did tell her that it was me all those times in her nightmares and that I would do everything in my power to help her wake up if she ever got stuck. She fell back asleep right after but it was just a normal dream, if any.  When she woke up the next morning, I asked her if she remembered what we talked about the night before and she said she didn’t and...I don’t know. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell her again. I was really scared for some reason and now that all this time’s passed, I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I think maybe, I thought she’d be mad or something.”       

“How? You are _literally_ battling her demons for her.  I just don’t think I follow.  Like why would do you think she’d be mad?”

“Well, I don’t know.  I mean, a part of me wants to say something about invasion of privacy or something like that. I don’t want her to think that I just pop into her dreams whenever I want.   I think, sometimes, some things should be ours and ours alone.”

“But wouldn’t you think it would be comforting for her?  I know you don’t like this being pointed out Car, but you two are _all_ about each other and I just can’t see how she’d take offense or get mad or anything like that,” LaFontaine offered. 

“I hope so. But I just can’t shake the feeling just yet.  Again, it’s probably because of all the time that’s passed.  I mean, it’s been two years or so.  I just feel like I’ve been lying.  I don’t know. In my lifetime, I’ve seen people do things in the name of another and I’ve seen people do things for the sake of another and it can quickly turn into an excuse to take something that maybe they shouldn’t. Don’t get me wrong. Of course I’d love to know everything about her…her dreams…what she’s afraid of…what makes her happy…anything and everything.  My first instinct is to say that I feel everyone should be allowed things that are just solely for them – errr, I did already say that, didn’t I?  Fuck, I’m not making any sense.  Sorry, I’m just a little tired and with this stuff running in my system, I feel like I’m just rambling.”

“Don’t worry about it, Car.  Look. We’ve known each other long enough to, ehhh, how can I put it?  To know some of each other’s quirks by now.  You’ve never really been one to open up and I think you know I’m kinda the same. We’re not really like that and I think that’s why we can talk to each other the way that we do. And I know this short life of mine is nothing compared to yours but I think we both know what it is to be judged and we’re so used to trying to make up for that feeling that we just keep things inside of us. I loved Per and she was my best friend but there were some things I couldn’t tell even her. I think…that might be the case with you and Laura.  But what I’m trying to say is, you’ve sat through my ramblings and you’ve helped me through my worst times, Car. So take your time and let me return the favor. And I’m not just saying that because you paid for all of this,” LaFontaine said gesturing to the lab. They both smiled and LaFontaine nudged Carmilla’s forearm to encourage her to continue.

“Thanks, LaF.” Carmilla sighed and continued. “I don’t know how to explain it but I think what I’m trying to get at is there’s that other side of selfishness that most refuse to acknowledge – it’s the side that masks itself as ‘caring’ and it’s where this insidious little voice inside your head tells you that if you dare love someone so completely, that if you dare know all the ins-and-outs you could possibly know about that person, you expose yourself – you leave yourself open and risk hurting yourself beyond repair because if something happens to that person, you will never again see them fulfill a dream. You will never again experience the thrill of protecting them from their fears.  You will never again know the joy of seeing a simple smile on their face appear knowing you were the cause.  You will never again be whole because you’ve lost that piece of yourself that you put in them.  You’re still you, the same physical person that came into this world and yet you’re not because you’ve invested in a future with infinite possibilities – a future that holds every possible thing tied to you and it’s not there anymore. Remember a few months back when you asked if I’ve ever just watched her dreams?  You said it would be nice to see what her dreams are like.”

“Yeah, I do. Hey, you told me you didn’t…”

“Well...I lied,” Carmilla said looking away.  “I’ve stayed in her dreams before, not just the nightmares, I mean. I’ve never interacted with her, just watched from afar.  She’s so silly, you know.  I’ve seen her dream about baking cakes and snacks for you and J.P.  Getting me hot cocoa and then getting grossed out when she adds that little bit of blood.  I‘ve seen her back in her old dorm room reading Harry Potter – even better, I saw a dream of hers where she was in Hogwarts.  She was so mad because she got sorted into Gryffindor.  She said she was supposed to be Pufflehuff…or is it, Hufflehuff or Pufflepuff?”

“Hufflepuff,” LaFontaine corrected. 

“Hufflepuff, there we go.  Well, she punched that hat thing in its mouth and then threw it at the wall all the while yelling that she specifically brought yellow accessories like socks and what not so she would match.  She was so vicious. I loved it.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Laura.  She always said she’d be a prefect – do you know what that is– ah nevermind. Go on.”

“But anyway, there was this one dream, where I just – I – it was by far the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I saw us. Me and Laura.  We were in a field of grass, like a park or something, and it was the most gorgeous day, you know like the ones you see in movies with the sun shining and the clouds moving and everything.  And we were lying down on a yellow blanket. Laura was sitting cross-legged and my head was in her lap and she was running her fingers through my hair while I read her a book – I couldn’t see what the book was, I guess it doesn’t matter - but,” Carmilla paused to regain her composure and LaFontaine saw a look in Carmilla’s eyes that they hadn’t seen before. 

“But then out of nowhere, this beautiful little girl – I don’t know how old, probably only a couple years, two or three or so maybe– and she came running up to us and she jumped onto my stomach.  She was probably right next to us the whole time but I was so focused on Laura you know. Anyway, I could tell I wasn’t expecting it because I could see she knocked the air right out of me. I made this face but I managed to catch her and Laura, my god, her laugh.  Both of them, actually, they couldn’t stop laughing.  And Laura just grabbed her and hugged her and I remember seeing myself sit up and tickling her.  I pretended to bite her hand and then I did that thing – you know where you blow into someone’s skin and it makes that noise –“

“A raspberry,” LaF said smiling. 

“Yes, yes.  A raspberry. So I blew a raspberry into her belly and it was just so…I wish you could’ve seen her, LaF.  She had my coloring…my dark hair and dark eyes, but her face, her face was all Laura…she was just so beautiful.  And I never thought I could love something more than I already did - like I do Laura, but, I just- I mean, she was just pure, utter perfection and the best thing was that she was ours.  She was something that came from me and Laura and I remember thinking that I hoped she didn’t have all my bad habits.  That she would be just like Laura.  It’s one of my favorite memories, LaF – if you can even call it that, and yet it’s never happened.  Isn’t it crazy that I can say that?  That I can say I have a memory of something that hasn’t happened yet? Of something that has absolutely no _chance_ of happening?”

Carmilla began rubbing her temples and shut her eyes.  LaFontaine thought she looked liked she was trying to coax the thoughts out of her head and kept quiet in case they impeded the process by speaking. Still rubbing her temples, Carmilla continued.

“I’ve always liked the saying that there’s a beauty in simplicity and for me, until I die, I don’t think anything will ever be a more true embodiment of that notion than that dream.  It was so simple yet so perfect.  But here’s the thing, I was given a taste of something I hadn’t even realized I wanted and now that I’ve seen it, it’s all I can think of.   And I’ve lived lifetimes with an insatiable hunger and that blood thirst pales in comparison to this,” said Carmilla while swallowing hard.  “And when Laura started waking up and everything started to fade to white, it was as if her dream self knew.  She held our baby girl in her arms and kissed the top of her head and she…she learned forward and caressed my cheek and then she placed her hand over my heart.  She just smiled at me and looked into my eyes – and I, the real me now that’s watching from afar, I felt her touch on my chest,” Carmilla said touching her chest, unknowingly acting out what she saw.  “And it just filled every part of my being with this warmth and she said something but I couldn’t hear it...but it seemed like she was telling me, ‘don’t worry, Carm, this is just a brief goodbye, you’ll see me again soon.’  And in that instant, my heart broke.  I think, from the start of the dream it was slowly fracturing but it wasn’t until that moment that it finally gave in and broke. And I mean, it didn’t just break, it fucking shattered into so many pieces and ever since then, I feel like I’m still picking up all the pieces that, I don’t know, got blown away to different parts of my life or something.  And now I have to wait until I come across them, perhaps at ‘special’ points in my life and the very last piece is just there, floating around in Laura’s dream – an unreachable place that will forever prevent me from being whole again.”

“Car…That’s –,” LaFontaine started. 

“ _That’s_ why I don’t dare look in on her dreams anymore and I just stick to the nightmares because those I can handle. Maybe it’s a testament to just how fucked up I am.  Night after night, I can battle her demons.  I can have my bones broken.  I can even die. Night after night, I can do all those things, but a moment of simple bliss?  That’s what’s going to destroy me.” 

Carmilla brought her hands to her face and then dug her fingers deep into her hair. LaFontaine stared at Carmilla and the lines under her eyes and they genuinely felt bad for commenting on her looks earlier. They wanted to comfort Carmilla but knew the typical approach wasn’t something that would necessarily work for her. Instead, LaFontaine offered their own insecurities as a trade.  It was their way of letting Carmilla know that they could relate to the struggles of her life and that at least they could both struggle together if no other words of support were readily available.  It was how they became close friends. 

“Yeah..funny it’s always the happy things that are capable of crushing us in the worst possible ways.  Car, sometimes I dream about Per. It’s almost always the same dream where she’s telling me that I need to brush my little monster teeth before going to bed.  She still said it when we came to Silas because she knew I’d stay up late working on something and then pass out and it would be the next morning.  But yeah, I hate waking up because there’s that moment in time where you’re cognizant of your surroundings but you’re still half in the dream and you think it’s all real even though your eyes are open.  And it’s in that moment where it’s like I have this morsel of happiness resting on the pillow next to me and it’s when I turn over that it hits me that she’s not here anymore.  She used to come into my room and just lie down with me and we’d talk and it’s always been like that since we were kids.  I hate it. I want to be able to tell her how my day went or what new science thing is taking over my life. And I can’t help but wonder how would she see me now.  What would she think of me now that I’m a little bit older and actually have some accomplishments under my belt.  Would she be proud? Would she say that she always knew I could do it?  I’ll never know. I want to be able to hear her say these things to me.  When I lost her, I didn’t know how I could go on and I still have my days where I don’t think I can. I just miss her so much, Car. But then I think of her saying, ‘just be normal!’  And I think, ok, yeah. For you Per, I’ll be normal, even if it’s just for pretend.  I’ll be normal and do my little monster homework and I’ll be sure to brush my little monster teeth before going to bed every single night and maybe one day I won’t be pretending to be normal anymore and I’ll just – be – normal.”    

LaFontaine stuck their hands into the deep pockets of their lab coat and Carmilla heard them jingle some keys around.  “So I guess for now we trudge on, and, say it with me now, Car. We need to-”

“-just be nor-.”

“-just be nor-.”

A knock at the door stopped the two from finishing their sentence and LaFontaine went to open it.  On the other side of the door stood J.P.  He was in a pair of gray slacks and the collar of his white woven peeked out from under a dark brown wool sweater.  He said hi to LaFontaine and then waved enthusiastically at Carmilla.  Carmilla waved back before trying to sit up but she became slightly dizzy and had to sit back again.  Trying to fight off her dizzy spell, Carmilla shut her eyes and listened to the unique shuffling sound J.P.’s limp in his left leg produced as he neared.

“Did you get one of the lollipops?  They will help you fight off the nausea.  I hope you do not mind, but I took it upon myself to design the wrapper. I remembered your attire from a photograph Ms. Hollis showed me from her wallet,” J.P. said.

“Hey Short Stack.  I did and please remind me to find and burn this photograph that Ms. Hollis seems to be keeping without my knowledge.”

“Oh, Ms. Karnstein, I sincerely apologize.  I meant no harm.  I –“

“Short Stack – Short Stack, how many times do I have to tell you? You don’t have to call me Ms. Karnstein.”

LaFontaine laughed hard in the background and told J.P. to stop being so formal. J.P. nodded to show his understanding and began stroking his beard.  As he did, Carmilla looked at the burn scars that covered J.P.’s hand and neck. She knew they could be found on the majority of his body and was the reason why he always wore long sleeved shirts and pants.  J.P. then leaned over Carmilla’s head to check the status of the video equipment and Carmilla looked closely at the scars that escaped the coverage of his beard. They ran along his neck and upwards towards his left cheek and covered his entire left ear.  Carmilla wondered if that was why he kept his beard and then thought of the matching scars that hid beneath her clothes, except hers covered her right side from the area above her thigh to just under her breast and half of her back. 

“The equipment is now ready Ms. Kar- Carmilla, excuse me. May I look at your pupils?” J.P. took out a flashlight from his pant pocket and shined the light into Carmilla’s eyes. She was almost tempted hiss but knowing J.P., she didn’t want to give him another notation in his ‘kitty catalogue.’ “Ok, you too, are ready. Let’s have you move up a bit so I may place the eye visors on you.” 

Carmilla did as she was told and moved her bangs away from her face. Feeling the cool touch of the metal on her forehead and cheeks, she scrunched up her nose and moved her head back in response. 

“Hey Car, I’m going to count down from 5 and then J.P. will turn it on, ok? Let me know when you’re ready,” called LaFontaine from somewhere off to Carmilla’s right.

Carmilla let out a breath and nodded her head.  “Ready.”

“5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – and 1.”

Carmilla heard J.P. flip a switch and then gritted her teeth in pain as she felt the needle like wires dig into the skin at the base of her skull. The intense pain disappeared as quickly as it came and Carmilla’s eyes shot open.  It was blurry at first but as her vision sharpened, her eyes focused on the stained glass window with a golden dragon and she was suddenly hit with the strong, musty scent of age-old books. 

_Alright, here we go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. MUCH. DIALOGUE. 
> 
> Sorry guys! I know it's a lot to take in but have you ever had that moment where you start writing something and for once you have no distractions and all your cats are behaving and people aren't being rude ass bitches by having the audacity to call your cell rather than texting? Well, that's what happened and next thing I know I'm writing another long ass chapter. Also, I thought about separating it into two but then I said, "Fuck it."
> 
> Anyway, I struggled a bit with this one but hopefully you still enjoy it. I'm a huge fan of LaF (Jesus, I'm just a slut for everyone on this damn show, aren't I?) and my apologies because I can't science and I know it shows. 
> 
> Annnnd, at some point I'll try to go back and fix my typos - I spotted a few in the last two chapters. Thanks for bearing with me. Eeeeek!
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to read my shit writing and, as always, comments are more than welcome!


End file.
